She's the Man
by WistfulSin
Summary: Hiei/Iruni Hiruni Oneshot. Ichi is attacked by a fangirl while Hiei's around. The result? An annoyed fire demon, a disappeared wolf girl, and a crushed fan. Possibly a crack fic... Enjoy!


Gods, I'm procrastinating. Sorry.

This is the spawn of late night humor sessions and the fact I talk to no one about my stories in a plot setting, conspiring way. This is what happens when I have sugar, sleep deprivation, DBZ Abridged, Robot Chicken and fanfics (FanGirls Mission Impossible: Escape). The result is this, to me hilarious, one shot.

Its set during the tournament, with the assumption Hiei wins the fight between him and Amon-Shinpi. Oh gods. I can actually see this playing out in my head, and if had any ability to draw or animate, I'd freaking do this. The part with the girl grabbing Amon-Shinpi and Hiei shouting is stuck in my head. I can totally see all of this happening. Of course, I'm also very strange.

This in no way means any of this will happen in the actual story, it's more of a crack fic idea thing I needed to write. In fact, I don't even think anyone is in character. And the fact Hiei get's in a pissing match with a female demon over Ichi, well…it's funny, but not likely, eh?

*deep breath* I shouldn't be allowed to watch Lanipator anymore…

Amon-Shinpi stared up at the sky in her black training pants, her chest and arm wrapped to cover her slow healing injuries and the bandages trailed from under her white sleeveless training shirt. With her red hair billowing in the breeze she turned to acknowledge the demon approaching her. A black ear twitched at the sound of his footsteps.

"Hiei," she nodded with a smile. Her mask was tied to her side, opposite her sword.

"Hn." He glared at her rather masculine apparel.

"Don't glare at me," she stated flatly, her face falling into a dull mask as she regarded him. "And you could at least admit I'm present, you annoying jerk."

"_Hn._" He emphasized with a smirk, watching her eyes narrow in aggravation.

It had been just a few days since their fight, giving them both ample time to recover, but she seemed to be healing slower. Part of him worried at her health, but a much larger part that overshadowed the other was too swelled dominance to make a remark. If he pushed his luck too far she might reach for the knives in the holster on her thigh.

Not that the thought wasn't tempting, he just didn't want to embarrass her again so soon.

"Dick." She huffed, turning back to the sky before she started walking. The destroyed clearing had started to grow new plants, but the sprouts were still small and the ground was still charred from her practices. He moved to keep pace with her.

"That's not very polite," he noted innocently as she twitched.

"I don't need to be polite," she snapped.

"I disagree," he smirked again. "You haven't been showing your face much, I've noticed, since our fight."

"Oh, aren't we funny, with our ironic puns," she hissed, her shoulders hunching a bit in defeat. She hadn't been around the cabin much actually. Losing wasn't something she was always graceful at accepting. With a sigh she decided to move on. "So, I'd like to point out you were wrong."

"About?" he cocked an eyebrow.

"One of the times we were talking about my mask you mentioned that if I removed it, it very well might give me a sturdy list of candidates," she didn't elaborate on the mating part. They hadn't discussed or really seen each other since he'd claimed victory, and she didn't want to open the subject.

"You're moping because men aren't chasing after you?" he blinked, a bit shocked.

"No, I'm gloating that you were wrong and I was right," she argued, annoyed that he thought she was so vain. Okay, she was, but that wasn't the point. He had no right to think that. Even if it was true.

"You're just upset you don't have your fangirls anymore."

"Oh please, I hate women as much as I hate toxins."

"You have the power level of a squirrel right now, and you're worried about fangirls. I'm a little disappointed."

"Shut up," she looked away. "Besides, if all of _my_ fans hadn't jumped ship to you, you wouldn't be so smug."

"Don't tell me you're jealous," he smirked. In truth he'd been surrounded by women since their match, and most of them had been her fans. Not that he particularly cared, in fact, it rather pissed him off. He had no chance to be alone without some random onna attacking him for attention. _I'll be glad when this hell is over._

"Jealous? As if," she sniffed indignantly, looking away.

"You're an idiot." He shook his head.

"You're a jerk!" she shot back. They had crossed through the woods and were headed towards the cabin when someone called her name. Perking up, her ears twitched a bit, before laying flat on her head. Hiei stared at them. Her animal features made her seem younger, and more lively. But by far her ears had caught his attention the most. They were the second in expressiveness only to her eyes.

Of course the women in their group had been beside themselves the first time she'd been well enough to be jumped on. She'd thrashed for a solid five minutes before giving up and letting them play with her ears and tail, each one of them cooing over the softness and murmuring about how adorable she was.

He hadn't even minded the detective photographing the show, while Kurama had videotaped it for 'later use as blackmail, if she got out of hand'.

"Oh!" a girl slammed her body into the wolf demon, making her stagger before wrapping her arms around the taller frame to steady them both. Hiei's eyebrow ticked. The demon was a tall and curvy woman, dressed in a crop top, shorts and knee high boots, her hair and eyes both honey brown. A lions tail swished behind her.

"Uh…" the confused wind demon let go of the other female and stepped back, her eyebrow raised. "Who are you?"

"Oh! My lord!" she bowed and then got starry eyed as she studied the girl, her eyes instantly running to the fire demon. "Hiei-sama!"

"I'm-" he was about to tell the wench that he was both busy and not interested when she turned back to his wolf girl, her eyes once again filled with adoration.

"I have to say, I think it's amazing that you're the only woman in this tournament, even if you lost. You're so strong, and admirable, and beautiful, and overall an inspiration to female demons everywhere!" the girl went on. "My name is Kuni, and I'm you're number one fan."

"Uh huh." Amon-Shinpi kept her face blank and arranged into careful indifference, unsure what this psychotic woman wanted of her.

"I was just so impressed by your actions. I nearly swooned when you dropped your mask! It was… perfect," the girl purred the last word and both the fire youkai and the okami seemed taken aback.

"It's always nice to meet a fan," she blinked.

"Oh, I'm much more than a fan," Kuni had a good six inches on the short demon girl, and when she bent over the view changed drastically. If Ichi had more shame, she might've blushed at the male-enticing display of the girl's chest through the v-cut of her shirt.

"Do you have a point?" Hiei snapped suddenly, angry he was being ignored. After all, he'd come with a very specific reason. He was going to drag Shinpi back to the cabin and force her to admit that she was his, whether she liked it or not. This woman was interfering, something he was not at all impressed with.

Long fingers with nicely done nails slid down the female fighter's arm seductively, making both her eyebrows raise, as Kuni ignored the angry dragon wielder as she played over the bandages.

"You know, I've never been attracted to a woman before," the girl admitted not appearing bashful in the least.

"That's all nice and well, but-"

"I was wondering if you were in need of some…companionship?" the girl offered with a smile, but before she could get a response she seized both of Amon-Shinpi's hands, clutching them in her own as she continued to profess her affections. Ichi started to blush a bit as she droned on. "I've just never felt so secure about another woman before! You are so beautiful, and charming, and powerful, and you are still radiating femininity! I could definitely see us together, my lord! We would be quite the pair, with your soft masculine charm and feminine appearance, and my-"

"God damn it, she's not interested!" Hiei shouted angrily, startling the tall woman as he yanked _his_ potential mate out of her hands. He kept a hold of her wrist and drug her behind him as he stalked off, muttering under his breath.

"But!" Kuni tried to stop him and received a glare.

"She's mine, go find your own mate." He stated darkly as he paused, only to continue pulling the red faced woman behind him towards their temporary home. It didn't long for the shock and slight embarrassment to fade out of Ichi's face, leaving her with nothing to do but laugh.

"You're jealous!" she pointed at Hiei when he turned to ask her what her problem was. Puffing her chest up she did her best Hiei impression. "She's mine. Get your own mate."

"Shut. Up." He warned.

"Here I thought you'd be savoring your options, but no," she drug out that last syllable in a teasing way. "You're all about Ichi. Ha! I've been worrying over nothing."

She promptly closed her mouth as he pointed back at her.

"You _were_ jealous!" he announced in front of the cabin, where they'd stopped.

"Hn." She immediately fell back into a red faced denial, blue eyes tracking the movements the man made as he came closer. A bandaged hand took hold of her chin, holding her face steady to look at him.

"You are mine," he told her firmly and she smirked.

"Not yet." She reminded him with a look filled with too much humor for his taste.

"I don't like being defied," he warned and she let her smirk slip into a rather lopsided grin.

"One of the many reasons I'm perfect for you," she smiled at him. "I'm the challenge you'll never tire of, because I'll never back down."

"You're annoying," he rolled his crimson eyes, but his grip on her face never released.

"Lord Amon-Shinpi!" Kuni's voice made her two escapees wince. "Don't leave! You never gave me an answer!"

"I thought I cleared this up. She's not interested!" Hiei growled at her as she skidded to a stop beside them. He had dropped his hold on the girl. "Why are you interested in her anyways?!"

"Hey!" the girl in question yelled defensively.

"Oh, well, there's the eyes," Kuni stuck one hip out and started counting on her fingers, tapping each one as she ticked off a reason for her lust, "And that refined body. The strength. The attitude. Her incredible sense of power. The knowledge I'll always be safe. How adorably compact she is." Ichi twitched at the reference to her height and stature. "How great she looks all bandaged up. The lovely way she smells. She's the man."

"That's enough!" Amon-Shinpi yelled, covering her ears in agitation as she gave up on all pretenses of courtesy. "I've heard enough!"

"So? What's your answer?" Kuni leaned forward with a wide smile.

"Yes, Shinpi, what do you think?" Hiei smirked.

"I think," she noted the similar looks on both their faces as she paused. Then she took off running, "I think I'm better off alone for now! Sorry!" she laughed over her shoulder and kicked her speed into high gear, leaving both demons in her wake.

Hiei looked ready to fall over in disbelief that she'd just run away from him. Kuni looked crushed.

"She's mine." He glared at the woman.

"Yeah, well, what makes you think you deserve to have her?" she snapped aggressively. Again he had to note the way demons acted in regards to potential mates and compare it to his chosen's behavior.

"She's everything I'm not." He knew exactly where the girl was headed and smirked, knowing Akira would eventually bring her back. If he didn't get to her first. With a narrow eyed stare he added, "And I'll kill you and everyone else who get's in my way."

With a smirk he left the poor, rejected, woman alone and took off after Ichi, shouting profanities at her through a mental connection. When he caught her, she'd pay for this little stunt. And he made a silent vow to himself to put an end to all this fan nonsense, no matter what he had to do to, he'd get her to admit she was his.


End file.
